time flies

So quickly.

My daughter turned 16 today. Sometimes I look back to when she was little and it seems a lifetime ago. But at the same time I feel like I blinked.

I remember when she was little, I would look at girls in high school and they looked almost foreign, as children, because they were so big. I would think to myself that I had so much time. All the time in the world really, until she would be in high school. Until she would look like those girls.  After all, she was just a little girl.

Now here I am looking at her, looking just as old as those girls looked then. All the time in the world seemingly has disappeared in the blink of an eye. I wonder what will be in front of me next time I blink. Very well could be my 9 year old son looking down at me. Wanting to borrow the keys to the car.

Sunday morning

So much to do and so little time. How often that rings true to me.

I tend to worry too much about how much there is to do and put it all on myself. Lying awake at 4 a.m. contemplating all that is on my to do list is not really accomplishing anything except a lack of sleep. Which of course adds to the stress.

Today, Sunday morning, I sit here with my cup of delicious organic coffee not doing anything. Piles of stuff I could be doing, in fact there is a pile of unfolded laundry sitting right behind me. But I want to just sit. Do nothing. Give myself a break. In the grand scheme of things a moment to relax will make no difference in the end. Yet I worry about not doing anything. I COULD be doing something, getting this or that done. Just look at that kitchen floor, it needs a broom.

I often will do everything myself because I am picky and want it done ‘right’. So even if someone helps I often go back and do it again. So what was the point of having someone else help out anyway?

Quieting the mind is a good thing. So it is said. I find it such a hard task tho. Putting too much pressure on doing it right. When really there is no way of doing it right. Or wrong. It just is what you need it to be. My mind chatters away. It doesn’t understand quiet. If it is quiet it isn’t getting anything done.

the dentist

My little Galen had to have a tooth pulled today. He was a champ about it.

The dentist and his assistants were so great. They really made the experience easy and almost fun. They made a game out of everything and explained as they went. Galen was worried when we walked in and ended up grinning ear to ear the whole way through.

Thanks be for such wonderful people!

Lost

Do you ever feel lost? Lost as in not sure who you are, what you have become?

 

Lately, I waiver between lost and found. Between sadness and calm. Between knowing what I need to do and feeling completely at a loss. I find myself crying feeling that things might be hopeless. Then I feel full of hope and knowing. Knowing that I have the power to change everything. I turn around and I am full of indecision. Knowing how powerful my decisions can be, for me and for all whom I love.

 

I sometimes feel that happiness eludes me because I cant seem to put all that I know into action. My little tea bag tags, you know those on Yogi teas like “true understanding comes with compassion”, tell me things that my heart already knows. They ring true and I always nod to myself and say YES! Just to forget when pressed, nervous, angry…..

 

I have a beautiful little book that breathes truth into my being every time I read its pages. Why is it so difficult for me to put these truths into action. Give them life in my everyday life, my relationships? I keep hoping that something will strike me, sort of hit me over the head to make me make these truths a part of my life.

 

Perhaps I still have more to learn and explore before I can put these into a true spiritual obsession of sorts. A calling to my soul to change. God(ess) do I hope it comes soon. Or perhaps I am to learn that these things come little by little, tiny steps on a long journey.